Aahndre

Okay I’m super worked up because of a friend of mine who has been making the same mistake over and over again. His hard head keeps him from making the right decisions and his over impulsiveness most often than not leads him to decisions which are extremely half-baked.

Part of me is pretty worked up because he is gambling a lot. He doesn’t realize the magnitude of putting the friendship on the line. So here it is. He has this best-friend that he told us was basically just that, a friend when we asked him if there was something going on between them. He constantly told us that he wasn’t interested and he didn’t like the girl like that. My friends and I found out that a few weeks ago something happened to them and it was a complete turnaround in his part. He said that he liked that girl already and was dating stating that it was going to work out. If you knew my friend it would be really frustrating because of how impulsive he his. He follows what he feels at the moment and always, always forgets to think of the consequences and at the same time, what he really wants. I asked him, if they hadn’t kissed that night, would he like the girl, he never gave me a straight answer. The only thing he could say was that they were taking it slow and were working it out. He said they talked about it and was going to take it one step at a time. Sadly, I found out that he gave in to impulsiveness again and ended up doing the opposite. Instead of taking baby-steps and working it out he impulsively gives sweet-nothings, makes-out, etc. I mean there’s nothing wrong, but that’s certainly not taking baby steps.

It really irks me because of the fact that he isn’t thinking! He keeps on saying that he’ll work it out but in the end he just does what he feels like at that moment. What if the next moment or right now, after we talked to him, he realizes that he doesn’t really like that girl? What happens to their friendship? What happens to everything they’ve done together? No matter what he says about being okay if ever it doesn’t work out, when does that really, really happen? It doesn’t help that he’s just 80% sure (I bet it’s less) if he likes the girl or not. And I told him, how could you work out something together when you yourself aren’t sure about what you feel and what you think. He says he’ll take some time to think about it. I am pretty pessimistic about him thinking this through. Patience is not him. He needs to think this through, not just a few days, but for a long time. He’s putting something precious on the line and it really irks me if he just lets it all go to waste. And now, there’s no way for him to back out already having done what he has and said what he said. So the only real way to fix this for him is to really take it slow. Fix yourself first and how you feel. In my personal opinion as his best-friend, I know that he isn’t ready for commitment. He has so much loose ends and hang ups that he can’t invest all of him in a serious relationship that would last. He always has something to complain about and is always thinking of what is good and making him happy. Sometimes I get the vibe that he cares for the other person but at the same time if he feels that it’s about him more. It’s a bit of growing up he has to do I believe and I know he can do it, as long as he doesn’t let his feelings and emotions get too involved he’ll end up with the right person.

All I have to say to him is that sometimes you gotta use your brain rather than listen to what your heart is feeling. Especially him, all guts and feelings. It’s not always fairy tales and butterflies, he thinks that way too much and in the end it just leads him to pain and sadness. Wake up man! Think! Think! And think some more!

I’ll delve into this some more once I get well, I’m sick but I just felt a need to write.

Could it be possible to be sadder when everything is going your way rather than if they weren’t? This is what i’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. Admittedly I cannot ask for anything in these recent times because everything good has been going for me. Certainly I am happy for all these things that has happened to me but why is it I cannot help but feel sad. I don’t wanna sound like a spoiled brat who just keeps wanting for more. I think it’s all different this time.

I think it’s because of the feeling of uncertainty and helplessness that has been consuming me the past few days that has made me feel like I want to explode. God how I want to explode, how I want everything to just be there. But no, I can’t. Part of it is the fear of letting myself go too much and part of it is ruining such a good thing. It is wanting it so much but fearing that it might not live up to expectations because everything is and has always been perfect. And what sucks is that for the first time, I am ready. I just know I am, there are no hangups, no other feelings, no insecurities, no whatever. It just feels right. But how could something that feels so right feel so wrong at the same time? I wish I had the answer to this.

I promised myself not to have mush trips like this but it’s me. I cannot deny it. I’ve been holding a lot of stuff in for the past few days and it’s been piling up so much. I hate it, why does it have to be now, and in this situation. Why do I have to have all these thoughts in my head. It feels like some joke from God, or a test. As I said, as long as there is something to hold on to I will wait and be patient.

I just had to let go of all of these feelings inside my in some form or another or else i’d explode any moment. So as I said, I’m happy but sad at the same time. Is there such a thing? Damn..

Yeah I guess it’s kinda true. All I have to do is wait, be patient, and hopefully not much more stupid than I already am.

Inspired by Astroboy to write this impromptu blog because of all the cheesiness we were talking about over the phone. It was all about one liners from different movies. And still One More Chance hit the spot as usual as the one giving me the most chills. I probably will watch it for the 12^th time today so I’d go mumu again this whole day. So sue me!

Ahh, of course, locked post, means that only you people who are allowed to read this will know what this means. For the longest time, since I’ve admitted my feelings last year, I have defended them. To her, I’ve always told her, you fix it, talk to him, everything is going to be okay, you guys can still make it. To him, even though not personally I always gave him the benefit of the doubt that he can do better, he will change, he will make her happy. But these days, I don’t get it why I end up annoyed and confused by what’s happening. Is it because I’m finally starting to accept my feelings and admitting to myself that it is something I cannot deny and let go? Maybe. Is it because I know that she deserves more, she deserves more than what she’s settled for, she deserves to be taken care of? Definitely. And the only thing I know right now is that by finally letting it all in, it hurts.

“Sana kaya kong sabihin na masaya ako para sa inyo,

masaya ako para sa iyo, para sa inyo.

Sana kaya ko, sana kaya ko.

Pero hindi eh.”

I really wish I could say I was happy for them. But even she isn’t happy in the situation she is in. She knows that there is something better out there for her. She deserves more, because she is more. I’m not saying that I am that “more” but I know that she needs to be let go. A person who needs to be set free. She has so much going for her and right now that’s not happening with this person. She gets constrained, annoyed, confused, stressed and whatnot. In the end, she deserves to be genuinely happy. I’m the person who dreams to make her happy. I wish I could, or someone would. She deserves that at the least.

I can’t hide it anymore, I can’t stand to see her sad anymore, she’s gone through much trying to fix it with him. She’s finally giving up. Or has given up already. I can’t hide the fact that it hurts every time I say they’re going to be okay, they are going to be fine. I never thought I would feel something like this. But I do feel this way. I hurts already. I try to hide it, I do, for the sake of our friendship.

Sana kaya ko

Sana kaya ko pa.

Look into my eyes, can’t you see?

You bring me to heaven, won’t you come with me?

My eyes give everything away. No matter how hard I try to hide it in my face and actions, you can see everything through my eyes. I cannot hide it, the love that I feel for you is all there. Every time I see you, it may not look like anything, but I’m beaming deep inside. My eyes tear up with happiness at those times I see you laughing. I show so much sadness when I see you in pain and hurting. All those times I wanted to tell you how I feel, I wanted to help you so much but felt so helpless and those times when you really needed more than just somebody. When you needed someone. I can be your someone. Just a sliver and ill take the leap.

You don’t have to hide and find another

Forget your problems, give me this moment.

We’re about to fly, will you come with me?

I haven’t written anything in awhile and as usual I have that never ending itch to just write something but couldn’t figure out what. As always, I let my emotions run the course of what I am going to write. Possibly because this is the only place I can let out what I feel because no one else could possibly understand why I feel this way. Why I am eternally romantic and mushy. Maybe it just stems out of the fact that I really want to feel in love. To be in a relationship without all those insecurities I have. To be sure of myself and really know that I am in it for the long haul. It’s something I had blocked myself off for a couple of years now. I seem to stray away from keeping long term relationships or even being in one. I realize that at times I become too picky, a crush here and there but in the end I realize it is just what it is, a crush. It’s true what people say that I just haven’t found the right one yet. I believe in that. Aside from that, I am very afraid of making a mistake. Too often have I found myself in relationships or even in dates that I seriously don’t want but I just force myself. So for now I wait.

I want to be someone’s exception.

It is the longing feeling that you want to be someone different, someone new and someone perfect for that other person. I want to be the one that is so incomparable to others that even though there are other people out there better, I am her’s. To most people you might just be another guy whom he/she dates but to someone you are it. I want to be it. I want to be the exception to all the other guys out there just because I am me.

My friends and I all have these signals, codes, rules and whatnot’s to define every single relationship each of one has. If some books tell that guys are so complicated and are so hard to read. Guess what? In our world girls are definitely confusing too. Mixed signals here and there, signs that you like the guy etc. It just seems simpler if everyone guys and girls alike would just be more honest about how they feel and not be afraid and not abide by all these rules society has given to us.

It is true what people say, if a guy likes a girl, he will make it happen. If he says that he likes someone, but doesn’t push through then that’s a sign that he isn’t serious or it is just a simple crush. I agree that this is one of the major flaws of men these days. I fall for the trap too. It is having no follow through, or keeping things for granted. A guy will make a big gesture of love which woos the girl into submission and is head-over-heels for the guy but at the moment he gets too comfortable because he knows he has done his part, he fails to follow through. This is a sign of a guy who isn’t too serious yet with what he wants to happen with the girl. Men make a ton of excuses. I agree. After reading the book He’s Not Just That Into you and realizing that I have also made some of those excuses, I know that men who don’t follow through and make excuses are not in it yet for the long haul. I used the word yet because this just means that the guy hasn’t found the right girl. That’s why I said I want to be someone’s exception. I want to fall so in love with someone that I can’t concentrate, I can’t stop thinking of her, I can’t do my job, I can’t breath and basically I cannot live my life without her.

I wanna make her happiness my happiness.

And so this is the feeling I have right now. I have this urge that I want to make her happy. The simple fact that I know that I can and I will is driving me insane because I am not given the chance to do so. It sucks feeling this helpless when you know that you can give the world to the person. Right now I begin to reminisce the moments we’ve had. I guess if she could just realize it she too would know how I am feeling right now. With her I don’t have any excuses, I tell her everything for what it is. I don’t know if I could call this love but I know it is something different.

She is the exception to my rule.

There’s that.

Yeah, I guess I have that.

I had this sudden urge to write while playing World of Warcraft. For the longest time, I’ve been thinking of something to write. Something like my usual mushy posts. Apparently, I haven’t had too much mush in my life recently that I really didn’t know what to write and it has been bugging me for the past few days/weeks. Finally, while I was playing WoW and at the same time talking to a couple of people, it hit me!

Trying too hard.

When is it enough already? When is it time to stop? When does one realize that he/she is trying too hard already? This is what came to my head awhile ago. I believe this was inspired by reading a post of a friend. It’s about trying too hard, trying so much just to please another person. I believe that this is one of the craziest and silliest thing one can do when a person likes someone. It’s the time when you just change your whole being just to please or become a perfect match for someone else. You like everything that the other person likes, you do whatever he/she does, you laugh at everything the other person laughs about and basically you walk the others persons life.

It’s CRAZY!

I understand how some people would change for the better for someone else, but in the end, they’re still themselves. What I mean by what I said is some people who change everything about them and lose their identity in the process. It’s obsession already! It’s that moment where the person can’t function properly because of the person he/she likes. It’s that point where you go to the extreme just to be with the person. It’s bordering on being a stalker. In the end, you end up living in a fake world. You’d come out as plastic, you’d lose yourself.

You like what the other person likes just to make sure that you and your other person have something to talk about. You pretend that you guys have everything in common. You think and dream that you guys are perfect because you guys like the same things. But in the end, you gotta wake up, it’s not going to work out. Why? It’s because you end up just being a copy. The other person will end up tired of you. You’ll be friends yes, but you’ll never be more than that because in your relationship, there’s not growth, there’s no life. You’d just be the follower, and there comes a point when you ask yourself, who am I? You wouldn’t grow because you’re just there waiting for the person to move. It’s stupid. How do you expect something like that to work out?

Find yourself!

Yes, you have to be your own individual and move on from there. You have to be yourself, not someone built on lies. You have to make the other person like YOU. All of you. You can’t just live on the things that he/she likes, there are more things than that, everything in a relationship goes deeper than that. And don’t ever forget that you’re a friend first. So be the FRIEND. Don’t become someone who likes that person and the moment you don’t or it doesn’t work out you disappear. Remember that you are a friend first and friendships also can build lasting relationships. That is why this is one of the flaws of dating, or basically just liking someone. You put your best foot forward. The other person doesn’t see the real you, if there is actually a real you. Just be the friend, if you guys hit it off, then you do right?

You don’t have to try too hard for someone to like you.

The harder you try, the more you don’t see the bigger picture. There is someone out there for you. You don’t have to try too hard just to like someone and change your whole being for that person. You can like everything and have the same things in common with that other person but if you guys just aren’t IT then you guys aren’t. It’s not about liking the same things or doing the same activities, it’s about compatibility and genuine love, care and trust with that other person. The harder you try, you actually separate yourself more from that other person rather than be closer to him/her. Every time you hang out with that person, you check yourself, you watch your movements, you see what makes him/her tick, you try and try, but in the end nothing happens. What happens then? You get pissed, you can’t sleep, you think of the reasons why he/she doesn’t like you because you say to yourself, “Hey I like everything she likes, I am everything like her”, but in reality you are not, and people can see through that. Yes, people can see, who you truly are. It’s not so hard to see if two people can hit if off. It’s not so hard if two people have that chemistry with one another. Sometimes you just have to step back and see the bigger picture. Sometimes you gotta look at it from a different point of view, you gotta see yourself from afar and think if you guys are actually right for each other.

In the end, it’s about just being true to yourself. Who you really are. Don’t ever be ashamed for who you really are. Sometimes you don’t have to try too hard to look for the dream guy/girl for you. You don’t have to wish on a star, you don’t have to pray to God.

Sometimes you just gotta look right in front of you.

And that person might just be looking back.

Here’s a drunk post. Yes, I am slightly drunk right now so whatever I write here would probably be true and genuine, straight from the heart stuff. First of all, I got inspiration to write this post from of course, Jana and more importantly from Madz. Yes, what he said when I was chatting with him yesterday really made me realize a lot of things. With just one line, he affirmed all that I was feeling and all the things I was planning.

Somewhere down the road.

This is what he said to me, somewhere down the road Andre, this song is perfect for you. I just finished reading and understanding the lyrics of the song. He was right. It is perfect. It’s all about timing and God’s plan. If there was something I choose to believe in right now: It is the fact that I will get my chance. I know that if given the chance everything with her would be something special. Maybe not now but sometime, I know that it will happen.

Maybe we’ve only begun.

The best is yet to come.

Perfect, I know this to be true. And I know somewhere deep within her too that she knows, yes, she knows that what we have is different, is special. Thousands of other people, even millions claim that their own relationships with their loved one is special but this is different. It cannot be explained in words, it just is. As my previous post said, it’s just me and her.

I know for a fact that as I write this post, my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. I know that I have to forget these feelings that I have and move on first. I will not grow as an individual if I just keep myself wallowing over what can be, and what I want now. I just choose to believe that if it is meant to be, we will be. Truth be told, I never expected her to be the girl I would go after. If you know me too well, this girl is definitely not my type. But that truth is, me and her, we’re just meant to be. I know some people would say “You’re just saying that” bla bla bla. I honestly do believe, for the first time in my entire life, that it is:

Fate.

I’ve always believed in making things work. I never believed in fate or how things would just end up working for themselves. I’ve always believed that to find that someone you’re meant to be with, you should go out there and look. Search as hard as you can. This has always been my philosophy. Crazy as it may sound though, I never looked right in front of me until a few months ago. I never figured that the person I was looking for was right there. I’ve been thinking of reasons why I like her but I end up getting blank messages in my head. I usually have a reason as to why I like a certain person, maybe the humor, attitude, looks, etc. This time its different, I can’t think of something that defines why I do like her.

I still believe in us together.

I understand more that you think I can.

These two lines from the song, God, struck me to the bone. I do know the circumstances and all that’s involved with us. I know that, now, we cannot be. Just like the song says, “Having the right love at the wrong time”. But with that, there will come a time for us to have our chance together. If we do, let’s just make the most out of it. I’m not saying that everything would be like a fairy tale wherein we’d be forever, but I know the two of us? We’d make it work, because we do.

For now, I’m content. The way things work right now is perfect. I would have it no other way. It’s just a matter of learning and living with facts. I won’t stay away, I can’t do that but I have to keep myself in check. We started out as friends, we became best friends and now that’s how I would like it to be. As much as it hurts deep inside, I know that I must be strong, I must be patient. My emotions have been out of control lately but I’ve come to learn. As I have been saying all throughout this post, somewhere down the road our time will come. For now, it’s time to grow, it’s time to live, learn and for me to say:

Letting go is just another way to say.

I’ll always love you so…

Surreal.

The most appropriate word I can give to what transpired last night, April 6, at Camill Vazquez’ humble abode. Yes, everything was completely dreamlike to me. It was like a temporary escape from the buzz of Manila. Something that attributes to that though is probably the house itself. Such a beautiful house.

The day started off with Jana, Keno, Camill and I meeting up at her place to start our “Mush Mush Love Movie Fest!!”. Yes, it was a movie marathon of love/mushy movies. We started it off by watching “The Holiday”. Great movie, it was super funny. I think the girls cried watching the movie. I said to myself that this movie was the perfect starter movie for the marathon. It wasn’t too serious but it wasn’t too light either. It was just right. The right amount of mush and comedy. Afterwards, we went on to watch “Zak and Miri Make a Porno”. Yes, it doesn’t really fit the bill of the super mush movie. We decided on it because the girls haven’t watched it and it was great stress release from anything serious we were going to watch afterwards. Super funny movie. Everyone was laughing from start to finish. I had to close my eyes though when it was the constipated part because I probably would puke just watching it. The movie ended, we decided to buy stuff for the party.

Off we went to Metro Supermarket. Bought Coke (a lot of Coke), Ice, and of course Alcohol. On the way to the supermarket and back, I was trying so hard to make everyone mushy. How? Well the same way I made one of my friends cry in my car. Play the sappiest music on earth. Unfortunately I think it didn’t work.

When we got back to the house, I fixed Keno’s laptop. I added 1 gig of memory to it. This is what I call an, EPIC WIN. I am excited for the possibilities of Keno’s laptop now. WoW is just the start of a whole new world.

Of course, we moved on to the next movie. Definitely, Maybe. Yes, here we go again. The movie that made me more mushy than I ever was in my entire life. It was the movie that made me start and want to blog again. Everyone was excited to watch this movie. Memorable moments during the movie were the times I was getting mad at the character of Ryan Reynolds for being too stupid to not notice April. And the time when Ryan chased after April but saw the boyfriend at the apartment. The guys were laughing at me. Other notable moments were me eating a whole pack of Maltesers (That’s a feat.), trying to snuggle up to Jana in every mushy moment and throwing random pillows at Vazquez cuz she’s an ass that way. JP was early so he arrived in time to catch the second half of the movie. Surprisingly, I wasn’t as mushy as I thought I would be after watching the movie.

The only thing that I realized after the movie was that I was really right about how I felt. My realizations the past few weeks I thought were just some emotional high, spur-of-the-moment emotional realizations. I thought my views at that time would probably fade once I gave it some time. Nope, it still feels the same. It just reassured everything that I felt during that time.

Dinner.

People arrive.

Party Time.

Ah, yes, the party. What can I say? It was absolutely crazy. A mix of different emotions all at the same time in a span of a few hours. It was one of the wildest and most fun parties that I’ve ever been to. I’m sure that everyone would agree with this. As usual, it was just a few of us. Wally, Noel, the Twins, Antonio and Tim came over. The usual people (well aside from Tim) were there. I can definitely say that we, know how to party. From the random jokes, to the wild dancing (yes WILD dancing), to WoW talk, to serious senti/mushy talks with some people and of course to the puking.

Yes.

Puke.

Fuck.

ANDRE. DOES. NOT. PUKE.

Ah yes, but I did. I did puke for the first time in my college life. The last time I puked out of alcohol was way back in high school. And that was just once. I seriously do not puke. But yesterday, I gave in. I puked the hell out of myself. I smelled pizza, spaghetti and whatnot in my puke. God. I fucking hated it. At least I wasn’t alone. Camill and Tonio were there to puke with me. Can I have this moment to say, “I am sorry to everyone about me being drunk and puking”. I swear I am not going to drink that much again, and mix that much shots in my life. I kept on drinking different things, and obviously that will ruin your stomach.

After I puked, apparently, my drunk-state suddenly went away. That’s the only positive thing I got out of puking. I got the toothbrush that I bought, brushed twice in the comfort room downstairs and BAM I was feeling fresh!

The party ended when everyone cleaned up. Again, I am sorry also to Manang and to Daddy Vazquez for being such a mess. I can’t remember how many times I said “Thank you” and “I’m sorry” to Mr. Vazquez.

Me and Jana were talking heart to heart outside by the entrance before the party ended. We decided to hang out for awhile at my place. So we drove all the way to Kapitolyo to just have our mushy kwentos. Awhile became a 2 hour talk. Thank you Jana for listening to everything I had to say. Especially about April. I thank you for listening to all my stories about her. Now you understand why I like her that much and why I think we’ll probably work out. I know you don’t even know her so yeah thanks anyway.

I thank you for listening. You just confirmed everything that I’ve been feeling. From what you could get from my stories and about the girl, I thank you for understanding my situation and why I think she’s my April. Your input just clarified the whole thing and you made me realize that one most important thing that I should have right now.

Patience.

So many emotions ran through me last night. From being really happy, to being really mushy and yes, to being extremely sad. And they didn’t come in small parts. Each emotion I felt last night was huge. Extremely huge.

Surreal? Definitely.

It’s the start of summer for me already. Started it off on a good note, bought a hard drive, bought memory for my laptop (1gig! Woot!) and then WoW (what’s more to say?!). Basically, I believe it couldn’t have gone any better. I’m currently boarding for The Show here at RX from 3am-6am (Yes, plugging) . I’m trying to start regularly blogging. I mean really posting something meaningful and sincere. My mushy streak has ended this week, climaxing (Yes, CLIMAXING) with the previous blog post. Now I am back to my normal self mostly being happy and crazy.

There are stuff that I did mention though in the last post that really got me thinking. Yes, my own blog post revealed some stuff to me. It’s like that painter in Heroes who just goes into a trance and paints something. Eventually he wakes up surprised by what he painted. Yes, that same feeling just happened to me. I just realized that I too didn’t fully understand the meaning of the one person just being for you. Imperfect as he/she may be compared to a lot of other people yet you still know that this person is the one for you. How the hell do you know that!? Especially in our society today wherein everyone I believe can actually be someone else (Yes, I had to include someone else because some women there apparently are, men and vice versa). I’ve been asking myself, how do I know who this person is? Well, seriously, I don’t know. I just know that girl has, can and will change my life.

Is April (From the previous post) a real person?

Yes.

She is.

Who knows about her?

No one.

Yes, my own April (This can be a song title!).

There’s this song by Jason Mraz entitled, Sleeping to Dream. It’s a song that I’ve told my closest friends that I would probably sing to the girl I seriously fall in love with. Don’t ask me why this song, it just is. Speaking of dreams, let me share a few dreams/wishes I have for the future. Lets stick the the whole romantic/mushy theme I’ve started with

Romantic Wishes/Dreams:

1. To dance with my special someone under the rain without an umbrella, in the middle of the city. It would be perfect, dancing like there’s no tomorrow, just the two of us without a care in the world. Go home to just cuddle under a blanket with hot cocoa. While we read any favorite book of ours or watch a DVD we both like.

2. To sing in front of everyone in a crowded area for her. Just sitting on a park bench, or in our country sitting somewhere in the open area of a mall with my guitar. Start singing our favorite songs just focused on her. Afterwards, I walk to her, hold her hand, and go like nothing ever happened.

3. Cook a course meal for her and her whole family.

4. Watch a concert of our favorite band, hold her close, hug her tight and sing the songs with her.

5. Fall asleep on her belly and to wake up with her sleeping on mine. (Big enough anyway)

6. Bring her on a private jet to some secluded beach for dinner then come back the same night. (Damn you John Lloyd you did this to Sarah in You Changed My Life)

7. Bring her to that place in Kawayan Cove where there is a large Rosary formation at the edge of the cliff. Pray.

8. Tell my friends that she’s the one.

9. Give her every single kind of chocolate in the world (Yes, my girl should love chocolates, because I on the other hand can’t eat chocolates that much so she has to counteract it.)

10. Surprise her from behind, hug her from behind, rest my chin on her shoulders, close my eyes and just feel the moment.

11. Be able to talk to each other for hours on end, without stopping.

12. Cliché: to have one of those drama/romantic comedy stories.

13. Show her this whole blog once its all said and done.

Yes, I am a mush-ball when it comes to this whole “my lovelife” thing. I don’t care if people say that I’m too optimistic about this whole thing. I just know what I want and I’m not the type to settle for less. So yes, if you like all these too, feel free to contact me.

Available.

Mushy.

Free.

Happy.

Emily, April or Summer? Three names that I’ve given to three special people in my life. Why these names? I plucked them out of Definitely, Maybe. A movie that I didn’t expect to hit so close to my heart. A movie that made me think for two weeks straight after watching it. A movie that made me realize what I really want.

I suddenly dream of myself in a room with three doors in front of me. Each one leading to a different path, each one leading to a different ending. The first door I see to my left, shiny, new, almost like it was just placed there a few hours ago. It was made out of maple, I believe, and was extremely polished. The doorknob was gold, glimmering in the dark room where I stood.

“Emily” is engraved on the door.

I place a grip on the door knob, with one twist and a push I find myself in a vast country side. Unending plains from end to end. The only thing I see within sight is an elegant wooden house. Large enough to fit four families in it, I think. I decide to walk towards the house. Before I could even step on the porch, the door bursts open.

“Welcome home, Hon!” screams a familiar voice.

Suddenly, I realize, it is her, Emily. She comes rushing out of the house and into my arms. Without hesitating she gives me a smack on the lips, and a warm embrace. Her eyes gleaming with happiness. And how can I ever forget that smile that could melt my heart in an instant. I hug her tight and kiss her on the forehead. We enter the house as quickly as she rushed out. I see the dining area. A large solid dining table with food prepared already. I instinctively sit on the masters seat. I hear footsteps, a lot of footsteps. I hear giggling, laughing and shouting. One by one they came down.

“Daddy!” a chorus shouts, “Welcome home!”

I then stand up only to be pushed to the floor by all the kids that were coming down from the stairs. Then everything goes black.

I find myself in the empty room once again with the three doors. Suddenly I see the first door I entered into disappear.

“Two doors left, wow” I think to myself, “Which should I choose?”

I had this nagging urge to open the middle door, but I knew that I had to save it for later. The door to my right was a metal door, it had a red spotlight on top of the frame. The door, though metal, was obviously a little rusty, it looked overused. There was no existing doorknob. It was one of those doors you had to push in order to enter it. It looked intriguing and wanting to save the middle door for last. I ran as fast as I could into the door.

“Boom”

I am at a club, people are dancing everywhere. A girl comes up to me, gives me a drink and a peck on the cheek. I am dumbfounded. I walk across the dance floor only to be pulled once again by a different girl, another peck on a cheek and a quick lap-dance for good measure. I escape her, now walking faster across the endless dance floor. I trip, falling face first into the ground. I see a helping hand sticking out. I hold it an help myself up. Another girl, this time, she brings me to the bar. Says a few things I do not understand. Gives me an icepack, then leaves.

“Boom”

I’m now at someones house. Still a party. The first girl I saw at the club suddenly walks towards me again. Not wanting to waste the opportunity to ask a question.

“Who are you?” I ask.

“Summer” she replied.

What a lovely and unique name I tell her. We have a conversation, talking about anything and everything. We hit it off. Then she goes to the bathroom. Another girl walks in. its the second girl from the club. I dub her Lap-dance girl in my head.

“Hi” she says while waving her small cute hands. “Watsup?”

I reply, “Nothing much, I’m sorry, but I didn’t get your name earlier!”

“Summer” she replies.

What a coincidence I think to myself. Another Summer! We again, strike up a conversation. At the back of my mind I was wondering where Summer No. 1 was. We have fun talking, she even gave me a kiss. A sudden urge for me to look for No. 1 compelled my to leave No. 2. As I open the bathroom door, I am greeted by Bar Girl. She says

“How’s your head?” she asks.

“Fine” I tell her, “What’s your name?”

“Summer”

She then pulls me towards her, gives me a passionate kiss. In an instant she removes my shirt, unzips my pants. I am shocked. She bites my lip and claws on my back all the while getting rid of her own clothes in the process. I kiss back, I bite back. I carry her and perch her on top of the bathroom counter. I trip, once again.

Another “Boom”

I’m back in the room. The right door suddenly disappears. Only one door left. The middle door. It was as common as any door could be. Nothing was special about it. It was normal. The only odd thing I notice about it was the large placard that says, April.

“April, huh!” I think to myself.

I enter the door not expecting anymore out of this fucked up dream. I twist the shabby door knob. I enter the door. I find myself lying on a bed. An alarm clock ringing right beside me. I hit the snooze button to stop the noise. Suddenly a familiar tone rings. My cellphone was ringing, vibrating and was definitely annoying me. I grab hold of it prepared to curse the hell out of the caller. I see the name. April.

“Hey, babe wake up!” the voice on the other side says.

“Aryt! I’m up! I’m fetching you right?” instinctively saying.

“Yes” she replies, “I love you”

I suddenly am inside my car, driving towards an all too familiar route. This is going to her place. I arrive at her house, blowing the horn of my car at the same time calling her on the phone. She goes out, opens the door of my sedan.

“Good Morning! Here’s your coffee!” she says.

“Thanks!” I reply.

We then drive, going nowhere. She never specifies where we were going. I too didn’t know where we were going. I was just driving. And all that time, she was talking to me. We were talking about anything and everything. I could tell her anything. I remember this dream going for hours on end. I felt like myself, for the first time in front of someone I loved. I need not be the perfect guy. I didn’t need to try too hard. It was just me. All of me.

She asks, “Why do you love me?”

“You make me want to give you my best even if you don’t ask for it.” I sincerely say,

“You make me want to be there even if you don’t need it.”

She looks at me with a puzzled look not believing in what I just said.

“Because, it’s me and you.”

That’s all she needed to hear. She gives me a soft passionate kiss while I held her face ever so lightly. She gives a warm embrace and bids goodbye. I smile and wave, knowing that tonight, she’ll be right beside me.

“Flash”

I am back in the room. Knowing all to well in my mind what I really want. There’s no need for fairy-tale happy endings, there’s no need for screwing around and there’s definitely no process to love. It’s that feeling you get when you meet the one. I just knew at that point. That she was it. She was real. My version of April. There’s no goal. There’s no dream. There’s no lust. There’s no game.

It’s just me and her.

No more, no less.