Aahndre

Here’s a drunk post. Yes, I am slightly drunk right now so whatever I write here would probably be true and genuine, straight from the heart stuff. First of all, I got inspiration to write this post from of course, Jana and more importantly from Madz. Yes, what he said when I was chatting with him yesterday really made me realize a lot of things. With just one line, he affirmed all that I was feeling and all the things I was planning.

Somewhere down the road.

This is what he said to me, somewhere down the road Andre, this song is perfect for you. I just finished reading and understanding the lyrics of the song. He was right. It is perfect. It’s all about timing and God’s plan. If there was something I choose to believe in right now: It is the fact that I will get my chance. I know that if given the chance everything with her would be something special. Maybe not now but sometime, I know that it will happen.

Maybe we’ve only begun.

The best is yet to come.

Perfect, I know this to be true. And I know somewhere deep within her too that she knows, yes, she knows that what we have is different, is special. Thousands of other people, even millions claim that their own relationships with their loved one is special but this is different. It cannot be explained in words, it just is. As my previous post said, it’s just me and her.

I know for a fact that as I write this post, my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. I know that I have to forget these feelings that I have and move on first. I will not grow as an individual if I just keep myself wallowing over what can be, and what I want now. I just choose to believe that if it is meant to be, we will be. Truth be told, I never expected her to be the girl I would go after. If you know me too well, this girl is definitely not my type. But that truth is, me and her, we’re just meant to be. I know some people would say “You’re just saying that” bla bla bla. I honestly do believe, for the first time in my entire life, that it is:

Fate.

I’ve always believed in making things work. I never believed in fate or how things would just end up working for themselves. I’ve always believed that to find that someone you’re meant to be with, you should go out there and look. Search as hard as you can. This has always been my philosophy. Crazy as it may sound though, I never looked right in front of me until a few months ago. I never figured that the person I was looking for was right there. I’ve been thinking of reasons why I like her but I end up getting blank messages in my head. I usually have a reason as to why I like a certain person, maybe the humor, attitude, looks, etc. This time its different, I can’t think of something that defines why I do like her.

I still believe in us together.

I understand more that you think I can.

These two lines from the song, God, struck me to the bone. I do know the circumstances and all that’s involved with us. I know that, now, we cannot be. Just like the song says, “Having the right love at the wrong time”. But with that, there will come a time for us to have our chance together. If we do, let’s just make the most out of it. I’m not saying that everything would be like a fairy tale wherein we’d be forever, but I know the two of us? We’d make it work, because we do.

For now, I’m content. The way things work right now is perfect. I would have it no other way. It’s just a matter of learning and living with facts. I won’t stay away, I can’t do that but I have to keep myself in check. We started out as friends, we became best friends and now that’s how I would like it to be. As much as it hurts deep inside, I know that I must be strong, I must be patient. My emotions have been out of control lately but I’ve come to learn. As I have been saying all throughout this post, somewhere down the road our time will come. For now, it’s time to grow, it’s time to live, learn and for me to say:

Letting go is just another way to say.

I’ll always love you so…

Surreal.

The most appropriate word I can give to what transpired last night, April 6, at Camill Vazquez’ humble abode. Yes, everything was completely dreamlike to me. It was like a temporary escape from the buzz of Manila. Something that attributes to that though is probably the house itself. Such a beautiful house.

The day started off with Jana, Keno, Camill and I meeting up at her place to start our “Mush Mush Love Movie Fest!!”. Yes, it was a movie marathon of love/mushy movies. We started it off by watching “The Holiday”. Great movie, it was super funny. I think the girls cried watching the movie. I said to myself that this movie was the perfect starter movie for the marathon. It wasn’t too serious but it wasn’t too light either. It was just right. The right amount of mush and comedy. Afterwards, we went on to watch “Zak and Miri Make a Porno”. Yes, it doesn’t really fit the bill of the super mush movie. We decided on it because the girls haven’t watched it and it was great stress release from anything serious we were going to watch afterwards. Super funny movie. Everyone was laughing from start to finish. I had to close my eyes though when it was the constipated part because I probably would puke just watching it. The movie ended, we decided to buy stuff for the party.

Off we went to Metro Supermarket. Bought Coke (a lot of Coke), Ice, and of course Alcohol. On the way to the supermarket and back, I was trying so hard to make everyone mushy. How? Well the same way I made one of my friends cry in my car. Play the sappiest music on earth. Unfortunately I think it didn’t work.

When we got back to the house, I fixed Keno’s laptop. I added 1 gig of memory to it. This is what I call an, EPIC WIN. I am excited for the possibilities of Keno’s laptop now. WoW is just the start of a whole new world.

Of course, we moved on to the next movie. Definitely, Maybe. Yes, here we go again. The movie that made me more mushy than I ever was in my entire life. It was the movie that made me start and want to blog again. Everyone was excited to watch this movie. Memorable moments during the movie were the times I was getting mad at the character of Ryan Reynolds for being too stupid to not notice April. And the time when Ryan chased after April but saw the boyfriend at the apartment. The guys were laughing at me. Other notable moments were me eating a whole pack of Maltesers (That’s a feat.), trying to snuggle up to Jana in every mushy moment and throwing random pillows at Vazquez cuz she’s an ass that way. JP was early so he arrived in time to catch the second half of the movie. Surprisingly, I wasn’t as mushy as I thought I would be after watching the movie.

The only thing that I realized after the movie was that I was really right about how I felt. My realizations the past few weeks I thought were just some emotional high, spur-of-the-moment emotional realizations. I thought my views at that time would probably fade once I gave it some time. Nope, it still feels the same. It just reassured everything that I felt during that time.

Dinner.

People arrive.

Party Time.

Ah, yes, the party. What can I say? It was absolutely crazy. A mix of different emotions all at the same time in a span of a few hours. It was one of the wildest and most fun parties that I’ve ever been to. I’m sure that everyone would agree with this. As usual, it was just a few of us. Wally, Noel, the Twins, Antonio and Tim came over. The usual people (well aside from Tim) were there. I can definitely say that we, know how to party. From the random jokes, to the wild dancing (yes WILD dancing), to WoW talk, to serious senti/mushy talks with some people and of course to the puking.

Yes.

Puke.

Fuck.

ANDRE. DOES. NOT. PUKE.

Ah yes, but I did. I did puke for the first time in my college life. The last time I puked out of alcohol was way back in high school. And that was just once. I seriously do not puke. But yesterday, I gave in. I puked the hell out of myself. I smelled pizza, spaghetti and whatnot in my puke. God. I fucking hated it. At least I wasn’t alone. Camill and Tonio were there to puke with me. Can I have this moment to say, “I am sorry to everyone about me being drunk and puking”. I swear I am not going to drink that much again, and mix that much shots in my life. I kept on drinking different things, and obviously that will ruin your stomach.

After I puked, apparently, my drunk-state suddenly went away. That’s the only positive thing I got out of puking. I got the toothbrush that I bought, brushed twice in the comfort room downstairs and BAM I was feeling fresh!

The party ended when everyone cleaned up. Again, I am sorry also to Manang and to Daddy Vazquez for being such a mess. I can’t remember how many times I said “Thank you” and “I’m sorry” to Mr. Vazquez.

Me and Jana were talking heart to heart outside by the entrance before the party ended. We decided to hang out for awhile at my place. So we drove all the way to Kapitolyo to just have our mushy kwentos. Awhile became a 2 hour talk. Thank you Jana for listening to everything I had to say. Especially about April. I thank you for listening to all my stories about her. Now you understand why I like her that much and why I think we’ll probably work out. I know you don’t even know her so yeah thanks anyway.

I thank you for listening. You just confirmed everything that I’ve been feeling. From what you could get from my stories and about the girl, I thank you for understanding my situation and why I think she’s my April. Your input just clarified the whole thing and you made me realize that one most important thing that I should have right now.

Patience.

So many emotions ran through me last night. From being really happy, to being really mushy and yes, to being extremely sad. And they didn’t come in small parts. Each emotion I felt last night was huge. Extremely huge.

Surreal? Definitely.

It’s the start of summer for me already. Started it off on a good note, bought a hard drive, bought memory for my laptop (1gig! Woot!) and then WoW (what’s more to say?!). Basically, I believe it couldn’t have gone any better. I’m currently boarding for The Show here at RX from 3am-6am (Yes, plugging) . I’m trying to start regularly blogging. I mean really posting something meaningful and sincere. My mushy streak has ended this week, climaxing (Yes, CLIMAXING) with the previous blog post. Now I am back to my normal self mostly being happy and crazy.

There are stuff that I did mention though in the last post that really got me thinking. Yes, my own blog post revealed some stuff to me. It’s like that painter in Heroes who just goes into a trance and paints something. Eventually he wakes up surprised by what he painted. Yes, that same feeling just happened to me. I just realized that I too didn’t fully understand the meaning of the one person just being for you. Imperfect as he/she may be compared to a lot of other people yet you still know that this person is the one for you. How the hell do you know that!? Especially in our society today wherein everyone I believe can actually be someone else (Yes, I had to include someone else because some women there apparently are, men and vice versa). I’ve been asking myself, how do I know who this person is? Well, seriously, I don’t know. I just know that girl has, can and will change my life.

Is April (From the previous post) a real person?

Yes.

She is.

Who knows about her?

No one.

Yes, my own April (This can be a song title!).

There’s this song by Jason Mraz entitled, Sleeping to Dream. It’s a song that I’ve told my closest friends that I would probably sing to the girl I seriously fall in love with. Don’t ask me why this song, it just is. Speaking of dreams, let me share a few dreams/wishes I have for the future. Lets stick the the whole romantic/mushy theme I’ve started with

Romantic Wishes/Dreams:

1. To dance with my special someone under the rain without an umbrella, in the middle of the city. It would be perfect, dancing like there’s no tomorrow, just the two of us without a care in the world. Go home to just cuddle under a blanket with hot cocoa. While we read any favorite book of ours or watch a DVD we both like.

2. To sing in front of everyone in a crowded area for her. Just sitting on a park bench, or in our country sitting somewhere in the open area of a mall with my guitar. Start singing our favorite songs just focused on her. Afterwards, I walk to her, hold her hand, and go like nothing ever happened.

3. Cook a course meal for her and her whole family.

4. Watch a concert of our favorite band, hold her close, hug her tight and sing the songs with her.

5. Fall asleep on her belly and to wake up with her sleeping on mine. (Big enough anyway)

6. Bring her on a private jet to some secluded beach for dinner then come back the same night. (Damn you John Lloyd you did this to Sarah in You Changed My Life)

7. Bring her to that place in Kawayan Cove where there is a large Rosary formation at the edge of the cliff. Pray.

8. Tell my friends that she’s the one.

9. Give her every single kind of chocolate in the world (Yes, my girl should love chocolates, because I on the other hand can’t eat chocolates that much so she has to counteract it.)

10. Surprise her from behind, hug her from behind, rest my chin on her shoulders, close my eyes and just feel the moment.

11. Be able to talk to each other for hours on end, without stopping.

12. Cliché: to have one of those drama/romantic comedy stories.

13. Show her this whole blog once its all said and done.

Yes, I am a mush-ball when it comes to this whole “my lovelife” thing. I don’t care if people say that I’m too optimistic about this whole thing. I just know what I want and I’m not the type to settle for less. So yes, if you like all these too, feel free to contact me.

Available.

Mushy.

Free.

Happy.

Emily, April or Summer? Three names that I’ve given to three special people in my life. Why these names? I plucked them out of Definitely, Maybe. A movie that I didn’t expect to hit so close to my heart. A movie that made me think for two weeks straight after watching it. A movie that made me realize what I really want.

I suddenly dream of myself in a room with three doors in front of me. Each one leading to a different path, each one leading to a different ending. The first door I see to my left, shiny, new, almost like it was just placed there a few hours ago. It was made out of maple, I believe, and was extremely polished. The doorknob was gold, glimmering in the dark room where I stood.

“Emily” is engraved on the door.

I place a grip on the door knob, with one twist and a push I find myself in a vast country side. Unending plains from end to end. The only thing I see within sight is an elegant wooden house. Large enough to fit four families in it, I think. I decide to walk towards the house. Before I could even step on the porch, the door bursts open.

“Welcome home, Hon!” screams a familiar voice.

Suddenly, I realize, it is her, Emily. She comes rushing out of the house and into my arms. Without hesitating she gives me a smack on the lips, and a warm embrace. Her eyes gleaming with happiness. And how can I ever forget that smile that could melt my heart in an instant. I hug her tight and kiss her on the forehead. We enter the house as quickly as she rushed out. I see the dining area. A large solid dining table with food prepared already. I instinctively sit on the masters seat. I hear footsteps, a lot of footsteps. I hear giggling, laughing and shouting. One by one they came down.

“Daddy!” a chorus shouts, “Welcome home!”

I then stand up only to be pushed to the floor by all the kids that were coming down from the stairs. Then everything goes black.

I find myself in the empty room once again with the three doors. Suddenly I see the first door I entered into disappear.

“Two doors left, wow” I think to myself, “Which should I choose?”

I had this nagging urge to open the middle door, but I knew that I had to save it for later. The door to my right was a metal door, it had a red spotlight on top of the frame. The door, though metal, was obviously a little rusty, it looked overused. There was no existing doorknob. It was one of those doors you had to push in order to enter it. It looked intriguing and wanting to save the middle door for last. I ran as fast as I could into the door.

“Boom”

I am at a club, people are dancing everywhere. A girl comes up to me, gives me a drink and a peck on the cheek. I am dumbfounded. I walk across the dance floor only to be pulled once again by a different girl, another peck on a cheek and a quick lap-dance for good measure. I escape her, now walking faster across the endless dance floor. I trip, falling face first into the ground. I see a helping hand sticking out. I hold it an help myself up. Another girl, this time, she brings me to the bar. Says a few things I do not understand. Gives me an icepack, then leaves.

“Boom”

I’m now at someones house. Still a party. The first girl I saw at the club suddenly walks towards me again. Not wanting to waste the opportunity to ask a question.

“Who are you?” I ask.

“Summer” she replied.

What a lovely and unique name I tell her. We have a conversation, talking about anything and everything. We hit it off. Then she goes to the bathroom. Another girl walks in. its the second girl from the club. I dub her Lap-dance girl in my head.

“Hi” she says while waving her small cute hands. “Watsup?”

I reply, “Nothing much, I’m sorry, but I didn’t get your name earlier!”

“Summer” she replies.

What a coincidence I think to myself. Another Summer! We again, strike up a conversation. At the back of my mind I was wondering where Summer No. 1 was. We have fun talking, she even gave me a kiss. A sudden urge for me to look for No. 1 compelled my to leave No. 2. As I open the bathroom door, I am greeted by Bar Girl. She says

“How’s your head?” she asks.

“Fine” I tell her, “What’s your name?”

“Summer”

She then pulls me towards her, gives me a passionate kiss. In an instant she removes my shirt, unzips my pants. I am shocked. She bites my lip and claws on my back all the while getting rid of her own clothes in the process. I kiss back, I bite back. I carry her and perch her on top of the bathroom counter. I trip, once again.

Another “Boom”

I’m back in the room. The right door suddenly disappears. Only one door left. The middle door. It was as common as any door could be. Nothing was special about it. It was normal. The only odd thing I notice about it was the large placard that says, April.

“April, huh!” I think to myself.

I enter the door not expecting anymore out of this fucked up dream. I twist the shabby door knob. I enter the door. I find myself lying on a bed. An alarm clock ringing right beside me. I hit the snooze button to stop the noise. Suddenly a familiar tone rings. My cellphone was ringing, vibrating and was definitely annoying me. I grab hold of it prepared to curse the hell out of the caller. I see the name. April.

“Hey, babe wake up!” the voice on the other side says.

“Aryt! I’m up! I’m fetching you right?” instinctively saying.

“Yes” she replies, “I love you”

I suddenly am inside my car, driving towards an all too familiar route. This is going to her place. I arrive at her house, blowing the horn of my car at the same time calling her on the phone. She goes out, opens the door of my sedan.

“Good Morning! Here’s your coffee!” she says.

“Thanks!” I reply.

We then drive, going nowhere. She never specifies where we were going. I too didn’t know where we were going. I was just driving. And all that time, she was talking to me. We were talking about anything and everything. I could tell her anything. I remember this dream going for hours on end. I felt like myself, for the first time in front of someone I loved. I need not be the perfect guy. I didn’t need to try too hard. It was just me. All of me.

She asks, “Why do you love me?”

“You make me want to give you my best even if you don’t ask for it.” I sincerely say,

“You make me want to be there even if you don’t need it.”

She looks at me with a puzzled look not believing in what I just said.

“Because, it’s me and you.”

That’s all she needed to hear. She gives me a soft passionate kiss while I held her face ever so lightly. She gives a warm embrace and bids goodbye. I smile and wave, knowing that tonight, she’ll be right beside me.

“Flash”

I am back in the room. Knowing all to well in my mind what I really want. There’s no need for fairy-tale happy endings, there’s no need for screwing around and there’s definitely no process to love. It’s that feeling you get when you meet the one. I just knew at that point. That she was it. She was real. My version of April. There’s no goal. There’s no dream. There’s no lust. There’s no game.

It’s just me and her.

No more, no less.