Aahndre

Could it be possible to be sadder when everything is going your way rather than if they weren’t? This is what i’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. Admittedly I cannot ask for anything in these recent times because everything good has been going for me. Certainly I am happy for all these things that has happened to me but why is it I cannot help but feel sad. I don’t wanna sound like a spoiled brat who just keeps wanting for more. I think it’s all different this time.

I think it’s because of the feeling of uncertainty and helplessness that has been consuming me the past few days that has made me feel like I want to explode. God how I want to explode, how I want everything to just be there. But no, I can’t. Part of it is the fear of letting myself go too much and part of it is ruining such a good thing. It is wanting it so much but fearing that it might not live up to expectations because everything is and has always been perfect. And what sucks is that for the first time, I am ready. I just know I am, there are no hangups, no other feelings, no insecurities, no whatever. It just feels right. But how could something that feels so right feel so wrong at the same time? I wish I had the answer to this.

I promised myself not to have mush trips like this but it’s me. I cannot deny it. I’ve been holding a lot of stuff in for the past few days and it’s been piling up so much. I hate it, why does it have to be now, and in this situation. Why do I have to have all these thoughts in my head. It feels like some joke from God, or a test. As I said, as long as there is something to hold on to I will wait and be patient.

I just had to let go of all of these feelings inside my in some form or another or else i’d explode any moment. So as I said, I’m happy but sad at the same time. Is there such a thing? Damn..

Yeah I guess it’s kinda true. All I have to do is wait, be patient, and hopefully not much more stupid than I already am.

Inspired by Astroboy to write this impromptu blog because of all the cheesiness we were talking about over the phone. It was all about one liners from different movies. And still One More Chance hit the spot as usual as the one giving me the most chills. I probably will watch it for the 12^th time today so I’d go mumu again this whole day. So sue me!

Ahh, of course, locked post, means that only you people who are allowed to read this will know what this means. For the longest time, since I’ve admitted my feelings last year, I have defended them. To her, I’ve always told her, you fix it, talk to him, everything is going to be okay, you guys can still make it. To him, even though not personally I always gave him the benefit of the doubt that he can do better, he will change, he will make her happy. But these days, I don’t get it why I end up annoyed and confused by what’s happening. Is it because I’m finally starting to accept my feelings and admitting to myself that it is something I cannot deny and let go? Maybe. Is it because I know that she deserves more, she deserves more than what she’s settled for, she deserves to be taken care of? Definitely. And the only thing I know right now is that by finally letting it all in, it hurts.

“Sana kaya kong sabihin na masaya ako para sa inyo,

masaya ako para sa iyo, para sa inyo.

Sana kaya ko, sana kaya ko.

Pero hindi eh.”

I really wish I could say I was happy for them. But even she isn’t happy in the situation she is in. She knows that there is something better out there for her. She deserves more, because she is more. I’m not saying that I am that “more” but I know that she needs to be let go. A person who needs to be set free. She has so much going for her and right now that’s not happening with this person. She gets constrained, annoyed, confused, stressed and whatnot. In the end, she deserves to be genuinely happy. I’m the person who dreams to make her happy. I wish I could, or someone would. She deserves that at the least.

I can’t hide it anymore, I can’t stand to see her sad anymore, she’s gone through much trying to fix it with him. She’s finally giving up. Or has given up already. I can’t hide the fact that it hurts every time I say they’re going to be okay, they are going to be fine. I never thought I would feel something like this. But I do feel this way. I hurts already. I try to hide it, I do, for the sake of our friendship.

Sana kaya ko

Sana kaya ko pa.

Look into my eyes, can’t you see?

You bring me to heaven, won’t you come with me?

My eyes give everything away. No matter how hard I try to hide it in my face and actions, you can see everything through my eyes. I cannot hide it, the love that I feel for you is all there. Every time I see you, it may not look like anything, but I’m beaming deep inside. My eyes tear up with happiness at those times I see you laughing. I show so much sadness when I see you in pain and hurting. All those times I wanted to tell you how I feel, I wanted to help you so much but felt so helpless and those times when you really needed more than just somebody. When you needed someone. I can be your someone. Just a sliver and ill take the leap.

You don’t have to hide and find another

Forget your problems, give me this moment.

We’re about to fly, will you come with me?