Aahndre

Could it be possible to be sadder when everything is going your way rather than if they weren’t? This is what i’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. Admittedly I cannot ask for anything in these recent times because everything good has been going for me. Certainly I am happy for all these things that has happened to me but why is it I cannot help but feel sad. I don’t wanna sound like a spoiled brat who just keeps wanting for more. I think it’s all different this time.

I think it’s because of the feeling of uncertainty and helplessness that has been consuming me the past few days that has made me feel like I want to explode. God how I want to explode, how I want everything to just be there. But no, I can’t. Part of it is the fear of letting myself go too much and part of it is ruining such a good thing. It is wanting it so much but fearing that it might not live up to expectations because everything is and has always been perfect. And what sucks is that for the first time, I am ready. I just know I am, there are no hangups, no other feelings, no insecurities, no whatever. It just feels right. But how could something that feels so right feel so wrong at the same time? I wish I had the answer to this.

I promised myself not to have mush trips like this but it’s me. I cannot deny it. I’ve been holding a lot of stuff in for the past few days and it’s been piling up so much. I hate it, why does it have to be now, and in this situation. Why do I have to have all these thoughts in my head. It feels like some joke from God, or a test. As I said, as long as there is something to hold on to I will wait and be patient.

I just had to let go of all of these feelings inside my in some form or another or else i’d explode any moment. So as I said, I’m happy but sad at the same time. Is there such a thing? Damn..

Yeah I guess it’s kinda true. All I have to do is wait, be patient, and hopefully not much more stupid than I already am.